hidingfefe:

I have been wearing the same shirt since Ohio and I have found I have no experience with forgiveness. I have collected all my scars like armour, thinking that they would protect me. I want to photograph you in Iowa and show you a sky bigger than any of you have known so you might understand. I want you to kill yourself if I do. I want my parents to die painlessly. I want to die before you. I want ice cream. I want amnesia. I want to prevent my heart from shrinking with age, as they tend to do. I want your dick in my throat and you looking right into my eyes as my gag reflex dies and I have no air. I want you to still like me after I drool on you the first time we sleep together. I want girl friends I don’t want to punch. I want drugs. I want to stay awake drinking from the bottle all night, telling you what I did not know I wanted to say, and waking up to remember none of it. I want peace, love, and motherfucking understanding, Okay? Okay? I want you to slam me against a wall and hiss in my ear and lick the back of my neck. I want you to walk away. I want to be a rock star. I want to scream because I am too scared to be alive and I want you to shake me and scream back ‘I still love you’. I want my sister to be my best friend. I want to sleep in a different bed every night and I want all my lovers to be you. I want my desires to be original enough to be called fetishes. I want to have babies with you. I want my nerves to stay raw. I want you to learn how to protect yourself from me because I am not always good. I want to see the five states I have not. I want new shoes. I want to feel safe for five fucking minutes.